As the month draws to a close, I feel as if I have been
inundated with a month of awareness, deadlines, meetings, conference calls, and
cancellations. This month has also been deemed as Domestic Violence awareness
month. It is a subject I would like to repress and ultimately erase from my
memory but the actuality is…..I AM A SURVIVOR OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. I have
tried to escape such a title but my mind and the photos I kept as reminders
will not let me forget what I have endured. Those who know me well have seen my
blood and bruises and provided endless shoulders for me to cry on. I can never
repay those who allowed me to escape to their home and stay for a while when I
thought I was about to be killed. I will
never forget the times I phoned home to Virginia to cry into the ear of my best
friend; not realizing that she had her own life to tend to. My experiences with
domestic violence began before I was even able to recognize it and call it what
it was.
As a child I observed my mother and her paramour argue and
fight occasionally and it quickly became the norm because the police were NEVER
called. There was never a reconciliation period, and there was never an
ultimatum set forth by my mother which stated that such a thing was NOT allowed
to happen again. I remember being afraid, helpless, and prayerful that my
mother would not continue to get into relationships with such violent,
careless, hurtful men. My prayers seemed to have gone unheard.
Fast forwarding to my adolescent years and the untimely death of my mother, I found myself seeking out the same type of men that I had witnessed my mother associate with. In my mind, if he didn’t come with a little drama-he didn’t love me. I never considered a “good guy” because they were boring and uneventful. I figured that I needed to be “roughed up” every now and then to stay in line. I was oblivious to what a healthy relationship looked like and felt like because I had never seen a blueprint for a healthy relationship between a man and woman.
Before my marriage, I became subservient and submissive beyond any acceptable limit. I lived in a daze which cried out or gave men the impression that I needed to be told what to do. I appeared helpless and lost to the person I was considering being in a relationship with. Upon meeting my husband, he preyed on such a personality as mine because he obviously needed to be in control of anything and everything he possibly could. He dictated my every move and thought because I allowed him to do so. I gave up all rights to my own feelings, thoughts, and actions. In other words, I failed to establish boundaries and he clearly disregarded them when I attempted to set them.
I remember walking on eggshells, hoping that I didn’t do or
say anything to set off a firestorm that would be unleashed when he became
angry. I can’t say that I was an angel throughout my marriage but I did many
things out of retaliation and hurt caused by a lack of communication, anger,
and mistrust. The first time I was choked made me feel as if it was an out-of-body
experience. I had to take time to regroup of course, but I couldn’t believe it.
I sat in a small hallway closet and experienced flashbacks from every time I
was ever abused. The inevitable sounds of my first born crying quickly made me
snap out of it and continue on with my motherly duties. Each time the abuse
happened after that I became increasingly more withdrawn from others. I became
secluded and distant and uninvolved in things that used to keep me happy,
uplifted, and vibrant.
I have only scratched the surface with this post, but the reason for sharing this is to let others know that there is a way to end the stigma and shame attached to being a victim of abuse. It starts with a willingness to take a stand and declare that it will NOT happen again. Any person being abused needs to know how to:
PLAN YOUR EXIT
ASK FOR HELP
COMMIT TO CHANGE
My motivation for ending a long cycle of abuse was my children. I could not expect my oldest to get in the middle of a physical fight between me and a grown man. I also could not let my daughter grow up and assume that it is okay to be hit, disrespected, and ignored. I find strength in relying on a higher force (GOD) for guidance, revelation, and comfort. As I have often shared with my children, I would not change any part of my history because it has molded me into the strong, resilient person that I am today.
***Domestic Violence is real and there are so many people who have not lived to tell their story. If you or someone you know is dealing with domestic violence, please call the DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE @ 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). The hotline offers support and resources to help anyone who wants to be helped.***
