I AM ENOUGH!!!

The definition of enough is to be adequate for the want or need; sufficient for the purpose or to satisfy desire. From the perspective of a daddyless daughter, there is always an attempt to decipher suppressed emotions and take a diagnostic and revivalists' approach to my current situation. This blog is also a way to express years worth of thinking without writing.

Growing up, there were always feelings of inadequacy. It started with my mom and dad having me out-of-wedlock which made me unfit to be an "official" member of the family. As a child I never understood why I was never able to be in the same place at the same time with my mother and father. I was the love child-the little secret-a physical manifestation of their untamed love for one another. As an adolescent I was left with tons of questions and no answers. Why did my father have to die? Was he proud of me and all my accomplishments? Did he want to be more involved? Did he truly love me? Did he even want a beautiful baby girl with an unforgettable smile?

The older I got the more questions I had. What would Daddy say to me after having my heart broken for the first time? The second? Or the twentieth time? I often lament and ask would my life have been totally different if I had a better relationship with my father? Would I have made wiser decisions? Would I have had the strength and courage to say "No" when I reluctantly or involuntarily said "Yes"?
Personally speaking, the continuous feelings of being incomplete and subconsciously not measuring up to the standards of others can be a bit overwhelming; especially when those feelings of shortcomings surface in conjunction with negative, unhealthy emotions and the nerve to interact and cohabitate with the opposite sex. I never clearly knew where I stood in my father's eyes. In other words, my existence was never expressed as a reason for joy. I was nine years old when he died and from that time until the present I have always felt like a burden and an extra mouth to feed. I was left with feelings of defeat and lack. I conjured up the thoughts that my birth was the problem and my life somehow made those around me feel "some type of way".

I never felt pretty enough,
I never felt girly enough,
I never felt worthy enough of love and respect,
I never felt smart enough,
I never felt strong enough,
I never felt serious enough to stop believing that 2nd place gets a prize,
I never felt confident enough to demand what I needed,
I never had enough courage to say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH......I AM ENOUGH! LOVE ME OR LEAVE ME........
I AM ENOUGH!!!

A Call From Daddy

Don’t take the call……call him later. Those were the first words that rushed through my mind as I received a call from my biological father. Even though he was not there for me as a child, I somehow wrestle with the thought of allowing him to try to make up for lost time and be a part of my life at this moment. I feel like I don’t need him as a dad. He is not a father figure- he is a grown man just as I am now a 34 year old woman. I don’t want to seem inconsiderate but I really don’t ever want to speak with him again. Some may equate my feelings to resentment and bitterness but to hear my father on the other line telling me that he really needs me and he needs me to be there for him makes me wonder and say to myself “What’s wrong with this picture”?  The roles are reversed. It felt like he was calling to dump all of his issues on me. On top of all the feelings I had, he had the audacity to ask me for money to pay a bill! My father was not in my life for various reasons but the thought that kept coming into my mind was “Where were you when I needed support? “ Should I be there for him even though he wasn’t there for me? Why should I feel bad for not wanting him in my life? He has undoubtedly has his own struggles with many things but I feel like he never truly made an effort to step up and be a father to me. To make matters worse, I am his only child. Since he never had any other children I find it overwhelmingly selfish of him to not make any efforts to attempt to support me, to never make a considerate and conscious effort to come visit me and share in some of my most precious moments. For example, my father was invited to my High School graduation but he didn’t make it for petty and selfish reasons. My college graduation was another opportunity for him to try to bridge the gap and initiate some type of father/daughter relationship and interaction but he chose otherwise.

Personally, I think of my father as an emotional vampire. He is the type of person that calls when he needs emotional support and love but I need him to understand how it felt to cry and feel unloved, unwanted, and unworthy. I spent many days making collect calls to Maryland to speak with him. I used to have a heart and mind of expectancy thinking that one day I would be worthy of his love, his attention, and his time. I wasn’t going to ask for much, maybe a hug and an occasional “I love you”. I would have enjoyed having him place me on his shoulders and take me to a carnival or just hold my hand and tell me how beautiful he thought I was. We could have sat in silence and just watched paint dry; the togetherness is all I’ve ever yearned for.

Part of me feels like I am stopping my own progress by choosing to close this chapter of my life but it boils down to personal preservation and doing what’s best for me. Hearing from my father and reliving and redressing an open wound inevitably puts me on an emotional rollercoaster that I have ridden too many times. Hearing him say he loves me time after time makes me realize that just because a person says they love me doesn’t mean that they actually do. The kind of love that feels right to me is the kind of love that is shown through simple, meaningful and considerate gestures like spending time and showing consistency via communication. My personal conclusion is that I have survived this long without my father in my life and I will be fine from this point moving forward. I feel that it is okay to be selfish and do what makes me feel better. I would feel better if he did not continue to call and act like everything is supposed to be fine and peachy. My heart and mind has been damaged because of fatherlessness. The saga continues for this daddyless daughter.