I AM ENOUGH!!!

The definition of enough is to be adequate for the want or need; sufficient for the purpose or to satisfy desire. From the perspective of a daddyless daughter, there is always an attempt to decipher suppressed emotions and take a diagnostic and revivalists' approach to my current situation. This blog is also a way to express years worth of thinking without writing.

Growing up, there were always feelings of inadequacy. It started with my mom and dad having me out-of-wedlock which made me unfit to be an "official" member of the family. As a child I never understood why I was never able to be in the same place at the same time with my mother and father. I was the love child-the little secret-a physical manifestation of their untamed love for one another. As an adolescent I was left with tons of questions and no answers. Why did my father have to die? Was he proud of me and all my accomplishments? Did he want to be more involved? Did he truly love me? Did he even want a beautiful baby girl with an unforgettable smile?

The older I got the more questions I had. What would Daddy say to me after having my heart broken for the first time? The second? Or the twentieth time? I often lament and ask would my life have been totally different if I had a better relationship with my father? Would I have made wiser decisions? Would I have had the strength and courage to say "No" when I reluctantly or involuntarily said "Yes"?
Personally speaking, the continuous feelings of being incomplete and subconsciously not measuring up to the standards of others can be a bit overwhelming; especially when those feelings of shortcomings surface in conjunction with negative, unhealthy emotions and the nerve to interact and cohabitate with the opposite sex. I never clearly knew where I stood in my father's eyes. In other words, my existence was never expressed as a reason for joy. I was nine years old when he died and from that time until the present I have always felt like a burden and an extra mouth to feed. I was left with feelings of defeat and lack. I conjured up the thoughts that my birth was the problem and my life somehow made those around me feel "some type of way".

I never felt pretty enough,
I never felt girly enough,
I never felt worthy enough of love and respect,
I never felt smart enough,
I never felt strong enough,
I never felt serious enough to stop believing that 2nd place gets a prize,
I never felt confident enough to demand what I needed,
I never had enough courage to say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH......I AM ENOUGH! LOVE ME OR LEAVE ME........
I AM ENOUGH!!!

A Call From Daddy

Don’t take the call……call him later. Those were the first words that rushed through my mind as I received a call from my biological father. Even though he was not there for me as a child, I somehow wrestle with the thought of allowing him to try to make up for lost time and be a part of my life at this moment. I feel like I don’t need him as a dad. He is not a father figure- he is a grown man just as I am now a 34 year old woman. I don’t want to seem inconsiderate but I really don’t ever want to speak with him again. Some may equate my feelings to resentment and bitterness but to hear my father on the other line telling me that he really needs me and he needs me to be there for him makes me wonder and say to myself “What’s wrong with this picture”?  The roles are reversed. It felt like he was calling to dump all of his issues on me. On top of all the feelings I had, he had the audacity to ask me for money to pay a bill! My father was not in my life for various reasons but the thought that kept coming into my mind was “Where were you when I needed support? “ Should I be there for him even though he wasn’t there for me? Why should I feel bad for not wanting him in my life? He has undoubtedly has his own struggles with many things but I feel like he never truly made an effort to step up and be a father to me. To make matters worse, I am his only child. Since he never had any other children I find it overwhelmingly selfish of him to not make any efforts to attempt to support me, to never make a considerate and conscious effort to come visit me and share in some of my most precious moments. For example, my father was invited to my High School graduation but he didn’t make it for petty and selfish reasons. My college graduation was another opportunity for him to try to bridge the gap and initiate some type of father/daughter relationship and interaction but he chose otherwise.

Personally, I think of my father as an emotional vampire. He is the type of person that calls when he needs emotional support and love but I need him to understand how it felt to cry and feel unloved, unwanted, and unworthy. I spent many days making collect calls to Maryland to speak with him. I used to have a heart and mind of expectancy thinking that one day I would be worthy of his love, his attention, and his time. I wasn’t going to ask for much, maybe a hug and an occasional “I love you”. I would have enjoyed having him place me on his shoulders and take me to a carnival or just hold my hand and tell me how beautiful he thought I was. We could have sat in silence and just watched paint dry; the togetherness is all I’ve ever yearned for.

Part of me feels like I am stopping my own progress by choosing to close this chapter of my life but it boils down to personal preservation and doing what’s best for me. Hearing from my father and reliving and redressing an open wound inevitably puts me on an emotional rollercoaster that I have ridden too many times. Hearing him say he loves me time after time makes me realize that just because a person says they love me doesn’t mean that they actually do. The kind of love that feels right to me is the kind of love that is shown through simple, meaningful and considerate gestures like spending time and showing consistency via communication. My personal conclusion is that I have survived this long without my father in my life and I will be fine from this point moving forward. I feel that it is okay to be selfish and do what makes me feel better. I would feel better if he did not continue to call and act like everything is supposed to be fine and peachy. My heart and mind has been damaged because of fatherlessness. The saga continues for this daddyless daughter.

Family Day!

Sunday, Mar. 9

Family Day! In dedication to everyone we have lost to this disease and everyone who is still in the fight, we would like to make this day a family day.  Spend sometime with the ones you love and care about.  Make a pledge to them that you will do everything you can in order to stay cancer free.  Thank you all for taking part in our “Connected by Hope Week. 

Those still in the Fight:

Priscilla Smith

Cindy Young

Rosemary Shearin

Joyce Gipson

Denise Hyater

Those We Lost:

Wanda Felton

Daisy Mitchell

Willie Mae Gross

Devonte Felton

Willie J. Brumage

Jessie R. Johnson

James L. Brown

Diane Meade

Elena Josesina Garcia

Devante Felton

Pearl Williams

Elliott Millner

Spread the Love today!

Saturday, Mar. 8

Spread the love today! Take some time out of your busy day to show and tell your family and friends that you love them.  Whether it is sending a text or making a call.  Let them know that they are on your mind.

Let's Work It Out Today!

Friday, Mar. 7

Let’s Work It Out Today! Studies show that people who are physically active have a lower risk of certain cancers than those who are not.  So today let’s get active.  Whether it’s playing the Wii, Xbox Kinect, or taking a walk.  Find something to do to get you moving.

Touch Yourself Today!

Thursday, Mar. 6

Touch yourself today! Do a self-checkup exam.  Early detection is the key.  There's a few ways that this can be accomplished. The first is a self breast exam. Keep in mind that both men and women can become diagnosed with the disease. Not sure how to do a self exam, you can log onto http://breastcancer.about.com/od/risk/tp/bse_illustrated.htm or go to your local library or health department to get informed.  You can also give yourself an oral exam. Studies have shown that some forms of cancer have signs that arise in the mouth. So while doing your daily tooth-brushing just look around your face and inside your mouth for any abnormalities.

 

Stop Stressing

Wednesday, March 5

STOP STRESSING!! Although it has not been scientifically proven, stress does affect the immune system.  The immune system is the body’s way of fighting off diseases such as; cancer.  So today take a moment and just relax.  Try reading a book, or taking a long hot bath or shower.  Prayer and/or meditation are also some good options.

Educate Yourself

Monday, March 3

Educate yourself and the people around you! Knowledge is the key, if you don’t understand the disease how can you properly fight it or educate yourself in order to prevent it. There are many places to go to get more information on the disease you can go to your local library, area doctor, or either the internet.  Below is a link to a web page I found interesting.  Not only do they discuss the different stages and what that means they also breakdown the different forms.

http://curetoday.com/index.cfm/fuseaction/article.show/id/2/article_id/1006

Connected By Hope Week

It’s time again for Connected by Hope week.  To honor the memory of our mother Wanda “To” Felton and others close to us who have lost or are still fighting cancer.  We honor them by doing daily activities in order to bring awareness to cancer in all its many forms and stages. We have listed daily activities that give a little insight on how to fight the disease.

 

PRAYER FOR TODAY

I PRAY FOR KNOWLEDGE, WISDOM, AND UNDERSTANDING TO RUN THIS RACE WITH A HUMBLE SMILE ON MY FACE.

I ASK FOR GRACE AND MERCY AND I ASK FOR YOUR LOVE AND INSPIRATION TO QUENCH MY HEART WHEN MY SOUL IS THIRSTY!

TO MY CREATOR I PLEAD…..I ASK THAT YOU ALWAYS AND FOREVER BRING OUT THE BEST IN ME.

PLEASE GIVE ME THE GIFT TO HELP AND NOT HURT,
ALLOW ME TO NEVER RELAX MORE THAN I WORK.

HELP MY ACQUAINTANCES UNDERSTAND THAT I REALLY DO CARE. EVEN THOUGH I MAY BE ABSENT EMOTIONALLY—LET THEM KNOW I AM MENTALLY THERE.

LET YOUR SPIRIT LIVE IN ME

HELP ME BE THE BEST I CAN BE

AND ALWAYS ALLOW ME TO LIVE MY LIFE PASSIONATELY!!!!!

MAY ALL WHO KNOW AND LOVE ME LIVE A LIFE THAT IS BETTER, BRIGHTER, AND BLESSED

LiveLifePashunately

I am me
I am truly blessed
I see the beauty inside of me and want to share it with the world around me
I have an abundance of knowledge and power
And I am more aware of my potential and my possibilities
I see love and joy in my every step
Happiness follows and surrounds my every move
Joy is mine for the taking and I accept every challenge because I know that in order for me to grow and develop I have to endure them
I choose to livelifepashunately and hope you do too

Today's Affirmation

I'm better, brighter, and blessed by the one who knows best. Today I will dream, think, and feel like I have never done before; with an open heart of expectation to every good and perfect gift.