Love Lesson

I am superwoman or so I come to think of myself.  I am physically and mentally invincible. I don't know pain or weakness.  Giving up is not an option!! There is nothing that I can't do.  I don't know a black woman that I have come across who doesn't see themselves in this light.  Being a black woman I was raised to be this independent, strong willed, self sufficient, robot.  Yes, you read it correctly "ROBOT".  I was reared in a single parent household (until I was about 9 or 10) and visually saw my mom work come home help us do our homework, cook, clean, take care of her children, her siblings, and other family members, all of this without a single complaint.  At times I felt she was super human, she spread herself so thin that she rarely made or had any time for herself.  Growing up in that environment it is almost certain that you will adopt the same mentality. So the cycle begins.... My question is this mentality part of the reason why black women have a hard time finding a good man?

Generally in white and non-black households figuratively speaking you see father, mother, and children.  The order of the house is as such, father-the provider, mother-the nurturer generally she stays at home.  While at home she tends to the children and husbands needs. The mothers of the household generally know their "place" and aren't afraid to hold down the fort.  They are happy to be at home raising the children.  Household duties such as; assisting with homework, child rearing, and cooking are generally done by the time "daddy's" home.  They still have time to press and iron daddy's work close, run bath water, offer a pep talk or be a listening ear if needed, and cap it all off with a back massage or foot rub if necessary.  They stroke their husbands ego and make him feel important and needed.  To most black women the later "ain't" going to happen.  Stoke his ego and rub his what.  Oh HELL NAW.....If anything we need our feet rubbed, bath water made, and ego stroked. I give you this history to say this most black households do not fit this cookie cutter mold.  We as black women have to do the work of both parents in our current situations.  Does that make it hard for us to find the love we want and need?  Does this mentality push real men away?

We perpetuate this "never ending" cycle. We learn out of necessity to emasculate our black men and some of them we turn into dependent BABIES.  They come to expect us to do all of this because they were children too raised by single mothers who did everything without complaint.  Because of this cycle they don't know what their position is on the team.  They see us and we are all over the field.  At times I feel that we don't know how to be just women.. We don't know when we should just fall back, when we do find Mr. Right someone with potential.  White women and other "non-black" women have time to play their positions and get comfortable doing just that. Once they get into a relationship with a black man they see his potential or look pass his laziness. They support and love him as if he were "God's" gift to the world.  They learn to humble themselves which is something that is not instinctive to us.  We actually have to LEARN to fall back.  I know ladies this is definitely a hard pill to swallow.  Fall back what?  We as black women generally frown on this position. We are so scared and damaged.  Falling back means to be submissive and could lead to us failing and this we know is not an option.  WE CAN'T TAKE THAT CHANCE.  So what do we do, we continue on this rollercoaster ride.
CHALLENGE: Learn to let go!!  Take a moment or two and reflect on your upbringing, discover the pitfalls they may have placed in your way to finding healthy happy relationships. Once we figure out where they are coming from we can learn to grow.

Do Black Women Still Love Black Women?

How do I find love?  Why am I still single?  Why can't I find a good man?

All questions we ask ourselves.  I read a blog from one of my friends Ms. L.A Kearney where she posed the  question whether or not Men still love Black Women?  In it she address some stereotypes men have about black women which I found to be like she said "surface" issues.  Some stereotypes were based upon the  "lack of" certain things that we have like desire (attractiveness), opportunity (availability), education, and good looks.  What da hell?  You know you mad when you start to abbreviate 3 letter words. I had to take a step back analyze where these thoughts were coming from and say to myself  Why do people have these perceptions of us?  What images are we putting out to the world and why?  So it lead me to this thought Do Black Women Still Love Black Women?  I pose this question because I want to know how can we search for love from somewhere or someone else if we don't love ourselves first?  We have to know how to love and appreciate us in order for us to tell or show someone else how to love and appreciate us. If we don't the results can be damaging.  We start to look for love in all the wrong places and with all the wrong people.

I hear the arguments all the time that their are no good men out there, most of them are dead, in jail, or gay. No, I am not saying that we as women directly caused these men to be in those situations but... What I am saying is since you feel your chooses are so limited why don't you make yourself the best you, you can be so that when you do find Mr. Youcouldberight you are the best choice for his mate.  I technically have been out of the dating game for a long time but I have discussions all the time with single women the issues that they have with finding and keeping a man seem to be internal issues that they have within themselves. Inner battles and conflicts.


Case and Point: I asked one of my dearest friends one day to tell me what she loved about herself and she told me "nothing."  I said what about your skin, "No, I am having a break out session due to stress."  Well what about your height. "Do you know how hard it is to find a man taller than I am?"  Everything I threw at her she discredited in some way.  I told her to imagine herself as an open house.  If I am a prospective buyer and I come through and I notice all the cracks in her foundation why would I want to buy her house.  I will see all the work that is needed and turn away especially if I am not a handyman or Mr. Fix It.  We need to take a strong and firm look at ourselves.  We have to learn to love and accept every part of who we are including our faults.  Once we embrace that self love we can open ourselves up to receive the love that is destined and ordained for us. Embracing doesn't mean not changing certain faults or problem areas.  It means to recognized them and work on them.  Learn where they come from and why you behave the way you do. 

I know that this is not an easy task by far.  But we have to start somewhere.  We have to set the example for the younger generations of women to come.  It took me years to start to embrace me.  My best friend offers a challenge at the end of her blogs and I will work to incorporated that with in mines also.
 
TODAYS CHALLENGE: Tell yourself how much you love you today.  I mean from the toe nails on your feet to each and every strand of your hair.  Even if you have a hard time believing yourself do it.  Make it a daily practice.  You will start to feel and see the love in due time.

Be a Victim or Be Victorious? Which one do I choose? Growing up I often wondered why me? What did I do to deserve my situation and/or circumstance? My beginnings of course were not humble or even calm. I was a product of the ghetto, projects, streets or whatever you want to call it. You name it I can claim it. I was first molested when I was 6 and suffered that abuse until I was 8 or 9. Because this was all done by a female family member I suffered through an awful identity crisis. You question everything about yourself and trust is damn they’re non-existing. I was escorted home at night by rats the size of cats, and let me not forget my bedtime music of gunshots or sirens depending on the day of the week. In school life was no better. My mother was then a single mother of 3 and taking care of her siblings and their children as well. We lived in a 3-bedroom house. My clothes we giving to me by the Salvation Army or purchase from the goodwill or other thrift stores. As crazy as it may seem, through it all my childhood was fun. I stayed outside or listening to music it was my solace and still is to this day. Fortunately for us our mother met my stepdad who eventually moved us to Virginia Beach for a change of scenery. Yeah us! I knew this would be the change I needed to jump start my life. I turned 18 ready set college bound. I was in a long distance relationship with my first love, happy finally. He was going to be the one I gave myself too. That thought was short lived. I went out with a friend and ended up being date raped. At this point I started to just exist. What more could happen to me? And of all people why me? Haven’t I endured enough? I felt so lost and alone. I began to believe I was cursed. It wasn't until I started to do some internal cleansing that I discovered that I wasn't then and will not be now a victim. I started to pick apart all the situations that plagued me and research them one by one. I read several books such as; Whatever Happened to Daddy's Little Girl, No Secret No Lies, Life Lessons for my Sisters, and The Goddess Black Woman. It was at that point that I learn that although I couldn’t control the situation that happened to me, I dictated whether or not I would let them define me. I am in control of my environment/universe. Its was at this point that I stopped being the Victim and started to become Victorious! Be Victorious!

Be a Victim or Be Victorious? Which one do I choose?  Growing up I often wondered why me?  What did I do to deserve my situation and/or circumstance?  My beginnings of course were not humble or even calm.

I was a product of the ghetto, projects, streets or whatever you want to call it.  You name it I can claim it.  I was first molested when I was 6 and suffered that abuse until I was 8 or 9.  Because this was all done by a female family member I suffered through an awful identity crisis.  You question everything about yourself and trust is damn they’re non-existing.  I was escorted home at night by rats the size of cats, and let me not forget my bedtime music of gunshots or sirens depending on the day of the week.  In school life was no better.  My mother was then a single mother of 3 and taking care of her siblings and their children as well.  We lived in a 3-bedroom house. My clothes we giving to me by the Salvation Army or purchase from the goodwill or other thrift stores.  As crazy as it may seem, through it all my childhood was fun.  I stayed outside or listening to music it was my solace and still is to this day.

Fortunately for us our mother met my stepdad who eventually moved us to Virginia Beach for a change of scenery.  Yeah us! I knew this would be the change I needed to jump start my life.  I turned 18 ready set college bound.  I was in a long distance relationship with my first love, happy finally.  He was going to be the one I gave myself too.  That thought was short lived.  I went out with a friend and ended up being date raped.  At this point I started to just exist.  What more could happen to me? And of all people why me?  Haven’t I endured enough? I felt so lost and alone. I began to believe I was cursed.

 It wasn't until I started to do some internal cleansing that I discovered that I wasn't then and will not be now a victim.  I started to pick apart all the situations that plagued me and research them one by one.  I read several books such as; Whatever Happened to Daddy's Little Girl, No Secret No Lies, Life Lessons for my Sisters, and The Goddess Black Woman.  It was at that point that I learn that although I couldn’t control the situation that happened to me, I dictated whether or not I would let them define me.  I am in control of my environment/universe.  Its was at this point that I stopped being the Victim and started to become Victorious!