Dealing With Grief

We recently attended the homegoing service for a parent of one of our dear friends. In a joking but truthful way we said to her..."welcome to the club" because we have both experienced the loss of a parent...(both parents in my case). We thought this would be a good time to examine the grieving process. We both acknowledge the fact that we do not have all the answers and we welcome feedback on this one. We feel like we have not allowed ourselves time to grieve. This is a true statement when I acknowledge the fact that I sometimes think about my parents and can't hold back the tears. I get angry about my relationships with men and make a direct correlation to the abandonment I felt when my father died. I encourage and console myself by saying that 'death is a part of life' but it's a wound that never quite heals. I have tried counseling but I never felt like the counselor could feel my pain. At age 9,  my father died and at 13 I was devastated by the death of my mother. Being a young child and coming to the realization that you are alone in this world is one of the worst feelings in the world and I wouldn't wish that type of suffering on my worst enemy.

Perhaps we didn't get our moments to grieve because we were being strong for others. Passious is the oldest of her 7 siblings and I felt like I had to appear strong for my grandmother who lost a child when my mom passed away. We both know that self destructive behaviors don't work. Drugs and alcohol are temporary fixes that soon fade and reality has a way of creeping back into the equation. One thing that has worked for me is to strengthen my mind and body. I turned to music to soothe me and take away the pain I felt. The song I really love is one of the songs the choir sang at the funeral we attended. It's entitled 'Order My Steps'. I want to live a life that is pleasing to my Creator. We all may give God a different name but I believe God does exist.

Primarily I had to accept the fact that my parents were deceased....not on vacation or just not answering my calls, but gone....to the point of no return. Next, I had to stop looking for someone or something to blame for the loss I encountered. It was nobody's fault, not even God's fault....death is a natural process that nobody has returned from to explain or discredit. I then had to decide if I wanted to keep living and make myself get over it or just end it all. The day I left the hospital after seeing my mother's lifeless body and touching her face which was still warm to the touch....I had the desire to run out in front of a gigantic truck but I quickly figured out that would be an awful way to go and I need to be as fine as I am now in the afterlife so I decided to write daily, listen to uplifting music, and try to figure things out along the way. I still have moments of depression but I try not to let that overpower my quest for a better way to live and get over the loss of loved ones.

To anyone who has lost someone, I encourage you to consider:

-Laughter is the best medicine

-Embrace the fact that you had so many great years with your parents and/or loved ones

-Let go of regrets and be glad the person is not alive and suffering daily

-Put together an awesome soundtrack and sing, cry, yell, throw something or do whatever works for you to release the pain you feel!

-Remember the good times and all the laughs you shared.

-Rely on family and friends to get you through.

-PRAY-Ask for the strength you need to get through the rough points that will undoubtedly arise.

My hope is that anyone and everyone reading this blog will be Better, Brighter, and Blessed!


Chowan Moore Aforo
Connected By Hope