The definition of enough is to be adequate for the want or need; sufficient for the purpose or to satisfy desire. From the perspective of a daddyless daughter, there is always an attempt to decipher suppressed emotions and take a diagnostic and revivalists' approach to my current situation. This blog is also a way to express years worth of thinking without writing.
Growing up, there were always feelings of inadequacy. It started with my mom and dad having me out-of-wedlock which made me unfit to be an "official" member of the family. As a child I never understood why I was never able to be in the same place at the same time with my mother and father. I was the love child-the little secret-a physical manifestation of their untamed love for one another. As an adolescent I was left with tons of questions and no answers. Why did my father have to die? Was he proud of me and all my accomplishments? Did he want to be more involved? Did he truly love me? Did he even want a beautiful baby girl with an unforgettable smile?
The older I got the more questions I had. What would Daddy say to me after having my heart broken for the first time? The second? Or the twentieth time? I often lament and ask would my life have been totally different if I had a better relationship with my father? Would I have made wiser decisions? Would I have had the strength and courage to say "No" when I reluctantly or involuntarily said "Yes"?
Personally speaking, the continuous feelings of being incomplete and subconsciously not measuring up to the standards of others can be a bit overwhelming; especially when those feelings of shortcomings surface in conjunction with negative, unhealthy emotions and the nerve to interact and cohabitate with the opposite sex. I never clearly knew where I stood in my father's eyes. In other words, my existence was never expressed as a reason for joy. I was nine years old when he died and from that time until the present I have always felt like a burden and an extra mouth to feed. I was left with feelings of defeat and lack. I conjured up the thoughts that my birth was the problem and my life somehow made those around me feel "some type of way".
I never felt pretty enough,
I never felt girly enough,
I never felt worthy enough of love and respect,
I never felt smart enough,
I never felt strong enough,
I never felt serious enough to stop believing that 2nd place gets a prize,
I never felt confident enough to demand what I needed,
I never had enough courage to say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH......I AM ENOUGH! LOVE ME OR LEAVE ME........
I AM ENOUGH!!!
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