Note to Daddy

Daddy,

I remember being 6 and going to the harbor with you.  We would grab a few slices of pizza and walk around to see all of the different sites.  You would buy me anything I wanted because I was the apple of your eye.  I also remember my mom wanting a "better" life for us and longing to be closer to her family. Nobody discussed it with me, and I'm not sure if you knew, or cared, or had any control over the decision but, we moved to Virginia. This move changed the course of our lives forever.  You lost your little girl and I lost my self-esteem, my self-concept, and my sense of -worth. You laid dormant and I felt that you must have been unaware of the long term damage this loss would do to me and my future. And I was unaware of your life's trials.  Although you weren't alone in this, I could see my mother's attempts to keep us close. From you, all I heard was negativity, pain, and despair. Your life seemed to be going on a downward spiral to which you have up until this day, I feel, you have never seemed to recover from. In my mind, you didn't fight for me. You made excuses which left me feeling unworthy.  Your helplessness left you figuratively and literally paralyzed and ultimately you gave up without doing anything to make sure our bond stayed strong. Initially I was unaware of the damage your absence has caused and I slowly but surely started to accept deficiency for normalcy.  Rationalizing to my satisfaction the horrible truth that my mom went through the same deal and she came through ok. She looked fine from the outside. I failed to  realize that everyone  around me was going through the same dysfunctional cycle. Each individual found ways to numb  their pain or deal with it in their own self destructive way.  In my mom's case she had three children at the time so she had no time to sit and weep over how things should have been.  She had to make sure that we had a "better" life. The damage caused by the absence of you playing an active role as my father is detrimental to my children and my progression.   It affects so many people in so many different ways.  I personally try to repress it but the damage always finds its way to the surface. You would think that since we know what the problem is; finding the solution would be simple. I try to work on myself daily trying to find solid coping mechanisms that will work for me.