Don’t take the call……call him later. Those were the first
words that rushed through my mind as I received a call from my biological
father. Even though he was not there for me as a child, I somehow wrestle with
the thought of allowing him to try to make up for lost time and be a part of my
life at this moment. I feel like I don’t need him as a dad. He is not a father
figure- he is a grown man just as I am now a 34 year old woman. I don’t want to
seem inconsiderate but I really don’t ever want to speak with him again. Some
may equate my feelings to resentment and bitterness but to hear my father on
the other line telling me that he really needs me and he needs me to be there
for him makes me wonder and say to myself “What’s wrong with this picture”? The roles are reversed. It felt like he was calling
to dump all of his issues on me. On top of all the feelings I had, he had the
audacity to ask me for money to pay a bill! My father was not in my life for
various reasons but the thought that kept coming into my mind was “Where were
you when I needed support? “ Should I be there for him even though he wasn’t
there for me? Why should I feel bad for not wanting him in my life? He has
undoubtedly has his own struggles with many things but I feel like he never
truly made an effort to step up and be a father to me. To make matters worse, I
am his only child. Since he never had any other children I find it
overwhelmingly selfish of him to not make any efforts to attempt to support me,
to never make a considerate and conscious effort to come visit me and share in
some of my most precious moments. For example, my father was invited to my High
School graduation but he didn’t make it for petty and selfish reasons. My
college graduation was another opportunity for him to try to bridge the gap and
initiate some type of father/daughter relationship and interaction but he chose
otherwise.
Personally, I think of my father as an emotional vampire. He
is the type of person that calls when he needs emotional support and love but I
need him to understand how it felt to cry and feel unloved, unwanted, and
unworthy. I spent many days making collect calls to Maryland to speak with him.
I used to have a heart and mind of expectancy thinking that one day I would be
worthy of his love, his attention, and his time. I wasn’t going to ask for
much, maybe a hug and an occasional “I love you”. I would have enjoyed having
him place me on his shoulders and take me to a carnival or just hold my hand
and tell me how beautiful he thought I was. We could have sat in silence and
just watched paint dry; the togetherness is all I’ve ever yearned for.
Part of me feels like I am stopping my own progress by
choosing to close this chapter of my life but it boils down to personal
preservation and doing what’s best for me. Hearing from my father and reliving
and redressing an open wound inevitably puts me on an emotional rollercoaster
that I have ridden too many times. Hearing him say he loves me time after time
makes me realize that just because a person says they love me doesn’t mean that
they actually do. The kind of love that feels right to me is the kind of love
that is shown through simple, meaningful and considerate gestures like spending
time and showing consistency via communication. My personal conclusion is that
I have survived this long without my father in my life and I will be fine from
this point moving forward. I feel that it is okay to be selfish and do what
makes me feel better. I would feel better if he did not continue to call and
act like everything is supposed to be fine and peachy. My heart and mind has
been damaged because of fatherlessness. The saga continues for this daddyless daughter.
From one daddyless daughter to another. I have dreamed of the moment my father would pick up the phone and call. I have dreamed of the moment when he acknowledged my existence (and there have been many opportunities). I've come to realize that just because he hasn't doesn't mean that I'm not worthy of acknowledgement or love.
ReplyDeleteHere's the truth of the truth. We're not little girls anymore. We no longer grasp the fairytale of waiting for the love of a parent that never arrives. We're left wondering why? That dream has long gone. I'm not going to say don't be selfish because I don't think being wise is selfish. On the other hand the other party has had no shame in their shelfish acts. You could help him in his time of need and there's a possibility that you could feel emptier than you had when he didn't think to call at all. Or maybe not. There's no guarantees here. But you already know that. This time, years later, you're the one that holds the strings and whatever you decide will help build YOU.
Very good post.